French Children Don't Talk Back!

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the behavior of French children compared to British. It's apparent when living here that French children are better behaved. They are more obedient, polite and respectful than the British youth. I’ve often marveled when seeing groups of young children out on a school trip. They all line up neatly, do as they’re told and often have far fewer adults supervising them than they would in the UK. I’ve been wondering why this is and examining my own parenting skills to see what we can learn from the French. There is no doubt you can always spot the British children in the supermarket (mine included). They’ll be the ones running about shouting and whining, while the French children hold onto the trolley and follow their mother around the shop like little ducklings. And if any of the ducklings stray, one stern look or sharp word from their mother and they stop what their doing immediately, eyes down and mouth shut.  There's none of that oh so familiar back chat "Oh but Muuummmm, why can't I have that....?"

So why are French Children better behaved? I've noticed that French parents are much stricter from an early age. Sit in any pediatricians’ waiting room (I've sat in many) and you will see toddlers being severely reprimanded for what seems to be very minor, normal toddler behavior (by British standards). I suppose it makes sense that if you nip any devient behviour in the bud, before it has time to develop, this will produce a better behaved child.

This form of strict, zero tolerance parenting makes for an easier life for the adults, but I wonder how good this is for the children in the long run.  The lives of French children are controlled, structured and organized. They’re told what to do and when to do it and generally they dutifully obey. Their holidays are filled with organized trips and educational ones. The school life is very structured too and lessons quite rigid without much opportunity to make decisions for themselves.  As a result, French students are not as adventurous or independent as their British equivalents. Gap years between School and Uni are unheard of. Maybe this is just because it’s not fashionable to do this in France, but I wonder if it is more down to a lack of independence of the students and an unwillingness to let go by the parents. We have many 16-18 year old French students come to stay with us to learn English. Whenever asked why they have chosen to stay in France to study English rather than go to England, it’s always because they (and their parents) are afraid of travelling abroad and prefer to stay in France.

French children seem to mature later than the British. Our ten year old tends to have more in common with children several years older than him. Our older sons have observed that many of their fellow students are immature and find it difficult to interact with adults.  I think that because French parents are stricter, the parent/child relationship is more pronounced. This makes it easier to control them when they are younger, but the parents and the children find it difficult to know when and how to move into a more adult/adult relationship.

Many French, when attending University or Higher Education are more likely to choose a University close to home, which is not the case in the UK. They seem less willing to branch out and seek new opportunities. Is this down to a restrictive upbringing resulting in lack of independence? My husband would argue that it’s because there is more of a community spirit here, young adults are happy where they live and so less likely to feel the need to escape and move away. Whereas in the UK, community spirit is largely dead, no one feels particularly tied or rooted to the place they grew up and therefore can’t wait to get away. I’m not sure which is true – perhaps it’s a bit of both!

Looking at some of the behavior of youths in Britain, I suppose you could say the British have a lot to learn from the French. Maybe we do let our children get away with too much when they're little, making a rod for our own backs as they get older. I sometimes feel like a terrible mother when my willful four year old makes a scene in the supermarket, but then my husband will point out how often we receive praise for what lovely children we have. Having such large age gaps between them, we have the rare advantage of seeing whether our parenting methods have worked (or not) as our eldest two sons have now reached adulthood. Our children may be challenging to control when they are young, but so far, they mature into independent thinking, confident, polite and respectful adults and that’s all that any parent can ask. I think we’ll stick with our own formula, as it seems to work well in the long run.

If you live or have lived abroad, what do you think about the differences in parenting between your home country and your new one and have you adopted any new parenting methods as a result?

Please add your related posts below:

My Corner of France

I've talked a lot about different aspects of living in France, education, having babies, bringing up children, family life etc, but I've never actually blogged about what it's physically like here.  What are our surroundings, the countryside, the towns etc.  So, I thought it was about time I remedied that.

So, where do we live in France exactly?

We live in the Midi-Pyrenees which is in the South West corner of France.  An aptly named Region because it's situated in the middle section of the Pyrenee mountains which separate France from Spain.  We are within a one hour drive to the Pyrenees, which means that you are never far from a fantastic view of the mountains, making it a very beautiful place to live.  

A local view of the Pyrenees

We are situated midway between the Atlantic and Mediterannean coast, both being about a 2 1/2 hour drive, so we can always spend a day on the beach either sundbathing on the Med or surfing on the Atlantic.

The moutains look great at any time of year, but especially in the winter when skiing or toboganing make a great day out and there are many reasonably pistes to choose from.  

My youngest Luc, enjoying some winter fun in the mountains

The region the Midi-Pyrenees is split into several Departments (like Counties), we live in Haute-Garonne which has the Department Captial Toulouse as it's main city.  Toulouse is known as the Pink City due to its attractive pink brick built architecture.  It's a great city, not too big, only an hours drive from our house and our two youngest children were born there.  Nice if you need a city fix, but the real appeal of living here is the peaceful countryside.  

Place Wilson in Toulouse

We live in a tiny village and like many other villages it has no shops, only a mairie (Mayors Office), church and village hall.  Despite it's size, it has a really great community spirit and lots of functions throughout the year (The French Rural Village "En Fete").  It's strange how some of the smallest communities have very big and elaborate Mairies.

The Mairie of a local village with 128 inhabitants!

It is very rural - lots of fields of corn, wheat and what is particularly notable here is the fields and fields of sunflowers in July.

Sunflowers with the mountains in the background, taken from the field next to our house

It's a very green area, despite the hot summers as we have many rivers and lakes with water coming directly from the mountains.

The River Save

We live in a watermill, so we are surrounded by water with a canal running directly through our house, a river running along the edge of our property and a lake, not forgetting the several hidden waterfalls - it really is a magical place to live!  

Our Lake

Although we are very rural, I don't consider our position to be remote.  We're 2 minutes from a main road (with lines down the middle!) and only 10 minutes drive to the nearest town with doctors, supermarkets, chemists, schools etc.

Our "main" road, lined with trees.

The houses are really attractive around here.  There are many old farm houses and tumble down barns and outbuildings which add to the rural charm.  There aren't many new buildings and most new build houses either tend to be made to look old or have a villa like design.

A veiw from one of our upstairs windows

We have many leisure lakes nearby, often with beaches.  They are fantastic places to visit with kids because they also have grassy shady areas, toilets and other facilities (inflatables, waterslides, lifeguards etc).

Leisure Lake at Saraman

Just 10 minutes away is the beautiful Gorges de la Save, which is a little known beauty spot where the kids enjoy playing in the river.

Gorges de la Save

There are some great markets nearby - the biggest being Samatan which is famous for its fois gras and is always bussling and full of wonderful stalls.

Spice stall at Samatan Market

The roads are really quiet as it's quite sparcely populated.  We're 30 minutes from the nearest motorway (A64).  It's very hilly with lots of little winding country lanes.  I love just taking a different route sometimes when I'm not in a rush and discovering tiny hamlets and beautiful views I never knew existed.

A lane, not far from our house

I hope you've enjoyed this glimpse of where I live.  It's good to sometimes take a step back from minutities of day to day living and appreciate what's around us.  I love where we live, it's a beautiful corner of France and I feel very lucky to have found it.

But shhhh, don't tell anyone will you!

I'd love to hear about where you live, if you have any related blog posts please add them to the linky below.

French Music - Why isn't it better?

Music is so much a part of youth culture both in the UK and France,  but why is it that the French charts are filled with British and American music whereas in the British charts there is no French music?  My eldest son, Matthew is studying for his Masters at Bristol University in the UK.  He chose to spend his 3rd year studying in a University in Montpellier.  He has had a fantastic year and loves the lifestyle in France, however one of his pet hates is French music. It was a mission of his during his year studying in France to find some decent French bands.  He really wanted to and was constantly pleading with his French friends to introduce him to some. Unfortunately they failed miserably and had to admit defeat.  Most French bands are either europop or rappers and there are no really talented bands to match some of those on the other side of the water..    

I'm fascinated by the differences Matthew has found between his experiences of education and student life in the UK and France.  I've been waiting anxiously for him to finish the year so that I can complete the chapter on Education in the book I'm writing about our experiences as a family in France.  During one of our recent discussions, Matthew told me the following story which highlights one of the differences:

So you think you want to be Self-Employed in France!

I know it’s been a while and I’m sorry if it appears I’ve been neglecting my blog, but I’ve been busy – even busier than usual if that’s possible.  This year, true to one of my New Year Resolutions at least, I’ve been putting a lot of my energies into the business side of my life.  It’s not easy being self-employed and although I have been for most of my working life (15 years in England and now 8 years in France), I find I’m learning new things every day.  I’ve been thinking recently about what it is that makes a business successful.  It’s not just about the business itself – of course you need to offer something other people want, but it’s also largely down to the individual.  

To be self employed in any country you need to have certain qualities, but to be self employed in France (or any country other than the one you were brought up in), these special characteristics become even more important.

The Loto in France

We’ve just had the daily stack of advertising papers through the post box and I usually just add them to the pile of papers to light the fire.  Today, however, I decided to sit down and browse through them while waiting for the kettle to boil.  I came across one advertisement “LOTO GEANT” that caught my attention.  It was advertising a Loto coming up in a local town – you can win a car, so it wasn’t an ordinary one!  As I flicked over the advert, I had to smile.  It’s in the local village hall and one of the main advertising features was that it is 'Très bien chauffée', which means its very well heated.  I can just imagine all the old dears noting this very important fact.  A rather telling indication of the people they are expecting to attract.

Mummy, do they say hello or bonjour?

This week I'm linking up again with Windmill Fields Expat Blog Hop. 

This weeks subject is Parenting: bringing up a multilingual- mulitcultural family.   

We are an English family living in France.  Our children are being brought up bi-lingual.  They speak French exclusively at school and speak English exclusively at home.  Is it difficult – not really.  It’s amazing how adaptable children are and how quickly they learn to cope with switching from one language to the other.  We’ve never made a big deal about it and neither have they. James found his own way of asking whether he should be speaking French or English when he used to ask "Mummy, do they say hello or bonjour?".

When we first moved here 7 years ago we did consider whether it might be better to try to speak French at home to help the children adapt at school, but to be honest, our French really wasn’t good enough and I think it would have been more of a hindrance than a help.

7 Things I love about Living in France

We recently passed our 7th anniversary of living in France and it’s got me thinking about our lives here and how much they’ve changed – mostly for the better.  However, looking back though the posts I’ve made over the last few months, I noticed that many of them could be interpreted as negative.  No peeing outside please, The problem with English Teachers in France, Certficiat Medical Sportif, Why? for example.  ‘Family life in France’ is positive, but apart from that, an outsider looking in may get the impression I’m dissatisfied, which is not the case at all. 

There are always things that bug you wherever you live and there’s something very cathartic about sharing these gripes and finding others out there experiencing similar feelings.  For those of you who enjoy a good moan, I’ve got a list of things that annoy me to entertain you in future posts.  But, despite my complaining (I am British after all), I’m far happier here than I’ve ever been in my life.  So, I thought it might be good to share with you some of the many things I love about France and 7 seemed an appropriate number:

Certificat Medical Sportif - Why?

I’ve just signed my kids up for their new after school activities for the year.  James and Luc are doing Judo.  Not sure this is such a great idea and hope they don’t practice on each other, but we’ll give it a go.  Frankie's signed up for dancing - she’s just turned 4 and has been looking forward to starting for a year.

In France, enrollment for activities is usually in September and you pay up front for the whole year.  Its an expensive time, especially when you have 3 little ones.  There are lots of papers to fill in of course, this is France.  Luc and James even have to apply for a licence to do judo.  A licence?  Why?  You just fill in a form, pay 34 euros and they give you a piece of paper which says Licence on it.  What is the point?  Just more paperwork and another way of making money!  I can understand perhaps for adults, but for children???

Zis is ow to speek english

We were talking at the dinner table this evening about accents and the fact that the French find it difficult to pronounce the sound ‘th’.  I asked my 9 year old son if his teacher ever got him to speak during their English lessons to help the others know how to pronounce the words properly.

'No, the teacher tells us what to say.'

            ‘Well at least when you repeat it they’ll hear how to say it properly.’ I reasoned.

            ‘No, I say it with the same accent as the teacher.’

            I found this quite funny, well really funny actually.  Sorry but imagining him ‘speeeking like zis’ in class just tickled me. When I stopped laughing I asked ‘Why on earth do you do that?’ 

            ‘Because that’s the way they teach us to speak English.’

Although I did find it funny, there is a more serious side.  This simple answer speaks volumes about a fundamental flaw with teaching practices in many French schools.  Children generally are not encouraged to think for themselves or question what they are taught.  It explains a lot about some attitudes in France.  Many times I’ve been frustrated when confronted by situations where functionaries seem unable to think outside the box.  It’s done this way, because it is, and that’s the way it’s always been done!  Or am I putting 2 and 2 together and making 5?

Anyway, now I'm off to make a chocolate cake for my little girl who's 4 years old tomorrow :)

And then there were 5

I always know when Summer's over - not because I have to dig out the jumpers or the days are getting shorter, but by the number of settings around the dinner table.  The heady days of average table settings of 14 are becoming a distant memory. Our maximum this summer hit 50 catering for our Gardening Club barbecue, a one off yes, but we never had less than 9 for dinner.

Now family have gone back to England, the gites are empty, my eldest is back at Uni, 2nd eldest is back to weekly boarding and our au pair's gone back to her studies in Romania.  Today, for the first time since June, there were only 5 settings to lay at the dinner table.  How normal - it doesn't feel right.  I can't wait till next Summer.

What signifies the end of Summer for you?

Help, medical emergency with kids on board!

Following on from my last Post Road Trip to England with little ones on Board,  On the way back to SW France, we decided to pay a visit to our cousins in Brittany.  After all, it’s sort of on the way home isn’t it?  WRONG! It was actually more than 600km detour.  Still, my parents were traveling with us with my brother and cousin – it would be fun.

I was traveling with the 3 little ones in the back (James 9, Luc 6 and Frankie 3) and my second eldest Ryan (17) in the front.  We followed the camper van – it was a bit slow but we’d decided to stick together until lunchtime and then I’d speed off in my car and get there quicker.  Within about 45 minutes my Dad pulled over into an aire and I followed.  My cousin Ginny was feeling sick.  They thought it was the fumes from the hydrogen converting contraption my Dad had set up in the back of the camper to reduce fuel consumption (don’t ask).  It was decided that it was better that Ginny travel with me, and Ryan (my very capable and sensible son) travel with them in the Camper.  The reasoning was it would be a more comfortable ride for Ginny (reclining leather seats, air con etc) and we could get her home quicker.  It has to be said at this point that Ginny had a serious operation earlier this year and was still recovering from the affects of it.  

La Rentree – Back to School “French Style”

I’m exhausted!  I’ve spent the last week or so preparing 4 of my children for “La Rentree”  (or “Back to School” as we call it in England).  When we lived in England I remember having long lists of clothing for going back to school – school uniform, blazers, school ties and badges and an even longer list of sports kit – shorts, teeshirts, sports socks, tracksuits, trainers, gym shoes, rugby boots, football boots, running shoes, hockey sticks – sound familiar??  Apart from the uniform and sports kit though, there wasn’t really much else to get – a new bag of course, maybe some pens etc and a geometry kit and a calculator. 

There is no uniform in France – hurray!  There’s also no formal sports kit either – just a tracksuit, t-shirt and trainers seem to suffice.  So what’s been keeping me occupied for the past week or so then you may wonder.  Well we have the “Liste de Fournitures scolaires” which is basically an A4 sheet listing all the different stationery items needed for your child's return to school.  I could not believe the amount of things we have to buy the first time I saw one 7 years ago.  Here’s a copy of my 6 year old son’s “Liste de Fournitures” for his first year at the Primaire translated into English:

A Close Shave with the Police

I was driving home after doing my taxi driving duties for my 17 year old son this afternoon when I was confronted by a policeman who beckoned me to pull over.  My heart sank.  I immediately felt guilty – why do we do that even if we have nothing to feel guilty about? 

I’m not sure why he chose me, maybe it was just chance or maybe it was the stupid faces I was pulling practicing the facial exercises I’d just read about on the internet to reduced wrinkles – that’ll teach me!. 

Anyway, whatever it was I felt it was a miracle.  Why, I hear you ask?  Well, just yesterday I’d noticed that the green insurance badge displayed on the windscreen of my car had expired by 2 weeks.  This is usually sent a month or so in advance, so I realised I must have missed the letter somehow.  It’s been a busy few months (or should I say years) and I’ve got a bit behind with the paperwork.  This morning I persuaded my son that he if he wanted that lift to town this afternoon the deal was he watch his little brothers and sister while I do a bit of paperwork.  I set to work going through the papers on my desk and right at the bottom was an unopened envelope from our Insurance Company et voila – the missing green Insurance paper I was looking for.  So, I popped the appropriate piece into the plastic wallet on my dashboard and made lunch.

The French Rural Village “En Fête”

Our local village has just spent 5 days “En Fête” and what an enjoyable and exhausting time we’ve had.  For those of you who haven’t experienced a “Fete” in SW France, it’s nothing like the local fetes in England.  Here in France every village (no matter how small) has a long weekend during the summer months where they celebrate together in various ways.  Our village usually has 4 days of fete, but this year, because the Tour de France was passing by on 14^th July (Bastille Day), we had an extra day.

Le Passage du Tour de France

It started off on the Thursday 14^th July (Bastille Day) with a “Buvette” (a bar serving beer and soft drinks) and grillades set up in a field on a country road at the edge of our village where the Tour de France passed by.  We all arrived at 11h and watched about 30 minutes or so of advertisers in various cars, motorbikes and floats passing by (rather speedily) throwing out freebies.  This was in fact the most exciting bit for the kids who all scrambled to get their caps, key rings, sweets, papers, pamphlets and washing liquid samples!  Luc my 6 year old wisely chose to wear his long shorts with loads of deep pockets (he’s not stupid, he saw it last year!), which were bulging at the seams by the end.  We then waited for maybe another hour before the actual bikes passed by.  Frankie my 3 year old was screaming through boredom and thirst by this time, so I was getting her a drink at the buvette when the actual “Tour de France” passed by!  Never mind, I didn’t miss much - it was all over in less than 3 minutes.  However it was nice to be part of the general atmosphere of the day.

On the Friday night there was a “Bal Musette” which is old time dancing for the older members of the community (or so I’m told) – we decided to give this one a miss.  

What it is to have a little girl after 4 boys!

I came across an article the other day – apparently someone quite famous has had a little girl recently after 3 boys.  I had no idea that Victoria Beckham was even pregnant again! "Where have you been?", I hear you scream.  Rural France, that’s where!

It got me thinking though about how I felt when I found out I was going to have a daughter after having 4 sons.  It was a really special moment, and something I have covered in the book I’m currently writing about our experiences as a family here in France.  So, I thought I’d give you a sneak preview of part of the chapter entitled “Having Babies in France”, which shares my feelings and the events leading up to when I first found out I was carrying a girl.

Expat Children in France - Education is only Part of the Equation

Photo credit: www.planetofsuccess.com

It seems that Education is the number one concern of parents with children considering moving to France.  On many expat forums there are countless discussions stressing about the minuscules of education in France to the exclusion of all else.   Yes of course the schooling of our children is a primary concern and we all want what’s best for them, but education is only one part of the equation - an important part it’s true, but not the only part.

It would be unwise (perhaps) to take your children to a country with a very poor standard of education, but this is France we’re talking about, not the third world,  There are many criticisms that can be made of education standards here, but there are plenty of successful people out there who have gone through the system and managed to succeed either despite or because of it. 

Once we’ve accepted that by going through the French education system our children are not going to become gibbering idiots, we can embrace all the other considerations that form part in the equation.       

A Day in the Life of a Mother in France

Many people when they hear that I have 5 children and work full time running several business, say to me “How on earth do you it”. My usual response is “I don’t know, I just do”, but I thought it might be good for those of you who are remotely interested to take a peak into 24 hours in my life. It’s not the busiest day I’ve had, but it’s fairly typical (apart from the Interview bit).

So, here goes:

The School Spectacle in Rural France (Yawn)

What I would like to say is "I've just seen my children in their end of year show and was so proud". But, unfortunately, if truth be known, it's more accurate to say, "I’ve just spent 2 hours of my life being bored stupid".

It goes like this, about 200 parents pour into the Salle de Fete with their child/children dressed in a hotchpotch bright colours as requested. The parents all sit there chatting to their friends, while the kids all take it in turns, class by class, to stand on stage and sing songs they don’t know or wave their arms about and look bored.

I was fortunate enough to have 3 children in the show so at least I could look at them and smile encouragingly. I pity the parents who had only 1 child, (unless of course they were chatting with their neighbour to while the time).

No Peeing Outside Please, We’re British!

Sorry if I’m lowering the tone, but it’s something I can ignore no longer. Why do French men have to pee everywhere? Coming from England where toilets are separate and everyone always uses them, it’s one of those niggling things about living in France that you have to learn to live with. Are the French alone in this pastime or are the Brits the only ones with an aversion to peeing in public?

It seems wherever you go there’s always some man peeing at the side of the road, in his garden, in your garden, whenever the feeling takes him, he’ll just pee with no attempt to disguise it. There was an old man at the market the other day, who lodged his baguette against the wall and then promptly peed right next to it (I hope he wasn’t planning on sharing that bread).

Some friends of mine were sitting on their terrace enjoying a spot of lunch, when their neighbour came out from his kitchen, waved “Bonjour”, then promptly took a leak not more than 10m from where they were sitting. Well really! They were quite put off their cucumber sandwiches.

My husband and our 2 youngest sons aren’t so bothered. They even seem to be taking on this French tradition. But I really had to draw the line the other day when my 3 year old daughter came in with wee all over her trousers. “You can’t wee outside Frankie, you must use the toilet”, “But Luc did!”, she replied. “Well, you’re a girl and girls don’t wee outside – it’s not practical!”, I said firmly. I then turned to her brother. “Luc, don’t wee outside please, it’s not nice.” His sullen response was, “Well, Dad does.”. What more can I say!

Family Life in France – Is it Really Any Better?

I’ve been thinking about what it means to me to be a Family in France, what makes it different from being a Family in the UK. What’s changed – is it better, worse or the same?

Some things haven’t changed – Gary and I still both work relentlessly to make ends meet! But then, we have a huge property, several businesses and 5 kids! What do we expect?

So, if nothings changed there, what’s the deal? Why did we bother to make the move in the first place. Why don’t we just pack it all in and go back to England? After stopping and thinking for a while, it didn’t take me long to figure why.