Step 7 - Find Time for Yourself

Day 7 of the National Blog Post Month challenge where I’m writing a blog post every day along the theme of 30 Steps to Happiness and Contentment.

This has been one of the toughest lessons for me to learn.  As a busy working mother, it's very difficult to find time for myself as you can see from an earlier post A day in the life of a Mother in France.  It's not only hard to find time but also I always felt incredibly guilty and selfish doing something for myself . There are never enough hours in the day to do everything, so how could I justify wasting precious time on me!  I think this is something that many women struggle with. 

But, earlier this year I came to the realisation that I had to find some time to myself.  I had spent so many years caring for and looking after my family, working for and supporting my husband that I had neglected myself.  We were going through a very difficult period financially and the situation was making me ill.  One of the most worrying symptoms was chest pains and after ruling out a heart problem, it was diagnosed as stress. It was important for me to find some time for myself.  What use was I to my family if I had a nervous breakdown - which is where I was heading.

The real question here was not so much 'Can I afford to find the time for myself' as 'Can I afford not to?'

I started by having Monday's off - it's the quietest day at our Garden Centre where I work full time, as many shops here are closed on a Monday.  Just having time at home alone to catch up on chores was good, but that's not really proper time to myself.  I started trying to spend at least part of the day doing something I enjoyed doing - meeting a friend for lunch, shopping or even just reading a book.  It was great just to give myself a bit a time to do whatever I wanted. I also started writing a book about our experiences as a family living in France - it's something I've been meaning to do for a long time.  

Writing has changed my life.  It's really helped me to look back over the past few years and made me think about what I want and what's important to me.  It's been a distraction and I've found that because I wasn't focusing on the negatives all the time, I started to have a different perspective on things. Now I'm coping with the stress and thankfully things are improving everyday in all aspects of my life.

I know it doesn't make sense, but I've found that finding some time for myself, has actually given me more time.  Why?  Because by taking my mind off my worries, I'm able to come back a fresh and cope with things better.  I actually get more done!

So, don't feel guilty, find time for you and you'll find you'll get things done much quicker (and if you don't manage to get everything done, so what?  That washing will still be there tomorrow!).

Monday has now been renamed Meday  This morning I'm catching up on some household chores, then I'm off to the Spa with a friend for some serious me time.  Do I feel guilty?  No I don't, because I'm worth it and so are you!


You might be interested to read the other posts in this series

Step 30 - The Key to Happiness and Contentment
Step 29 -You are the master of your own destiny
Step 28 - Don't give up on a good relationship
Step 27 - Don't Judge , Live and let live
Step 26 - Don't Worry, by happy
Step 25 - Never give up
Step 24 - Get by with a little help from your friends
Step 23 - Go with the Flow
Step 22 - Enjoy the moment
Step 21 - Love what you do
Step 20 - Forgive and Forget
Step 19 - Unconditional giving
Step 18 - Smile and the world smiles with you
Step 17 - Work to live, don't live to work
Step 16 - Surround yourself with Positive People
Step 15 - Always look on the bright side of life
Step 14 - Where there's a will there's a way
Step 13 - Silence is Golden
Step 12 - Feed your Soul
Step 11 - Follow your Dreams
Step 10 - Use your time wisely
Step 9 - Don't be too hard on yourself
Step 8 - Consider what you value most
Step 7 - Find time for Yourself
Step 6 - Make time for Family and Friends
Step 5 - Don't take yourself too Seriously
Step 4 - Feel the Fear and do it Anyway
Step 3 - Love what you Hate
Step 2 - There's no such word as CAN''T
Step 1 - Find the Best in Every Day

Step 6 - Make Time for Family and Friends

Day 6 of the National Blog Post Month challenge where I’m writing a blog post every day along the theme of 30 Steps to Happiness and Contentment.

I know it sounds obvious, but in the mad rush of our daily lives, don't forget to find the time to spend with those who are most important to us  Without them, our lives are meaningless.

Here's the other posts so far in this series

Step 30 - The Key to Happiness and Contentment
Step 29 -You are the master of your own destiny
Step 28 - Don't give up on a good relationship
Step 27 - Don't Judge , Live and let live
Step 26 - Don't Worry, by happy
Step 25 - Never give up
Step 24 - Get by with a little help from your friends
Step 23 - Go with the Flow
Step 22 - Enjoy the moment
Step 21 - Love what you do
Step 20 - Forgive and Forget
Step 19 - Unconditional giving
Step 18 - Smile and the world smiles with you
Step 17 - Work to live, don't live to work
Step 16 - Surround yourself with Positive People
Step 15 - Always look on the bright side of life
Step 14 - Where there's a will there's a way
Step 13 - Silence is Golden
Step 12 - Feed your Soul
Step 11 - Follow your Dreams
Step 10 - Use your time wisely
Step 9 - Don't be too hard on yourself
Step 8 - Consider what you value most
Step 7 - Find time for Yourself
Step 6 - Make time for Family and Friends
Step 5 - Don't take yourself too Seriously
Step 4 - Feel the Fear and do it Anyway
Step 3 - Love what you Hate
Step 2 - There's no such word as CAN''T
Step 1 - Find the Best in Every Day

Step 5 - Don't take yourself too Seriously

OK, it's Day 5 of the National Blog Post Month and it's the weekend.  I'm really busy with the kids being home, judo practice, parties etc and I'm sure you are busy too, so I'm going to try and keep it brief.

Today I've got a little story I'd like to share with you....

Many years ago when I was my old self (that shy, embarrassed, wouldn't say boo to a goose self), I needed to visit the dentist.  My husband Gary (who was my boyfriend at the time) made me an appointment.  On the morning of the appointment, there was a problem.  Gary couldn't remember which dentist he'd contacted - great!  So, we drove to the closest dentist surgery and looked at the name plates outside.

    'Is this the one?' I asked.
    'Ummmm, yes.'
    'Which one?'
    'Errrr, Mr Brown.'
     'Are you sure?'
    'Errrrr, yes'
    'Absolutely sure?'  I wasn't convinced he was being totally honest with me.
    'Yes, absolutely.  I remember now.  It was definitely Mr Brown.'

Off I went into the surgery and up to the reception desk.
    'Sorry I'm a bit late, I've got an appointment with Mr Brown'
    'You're more than a bit late - he died 6 months ago' was the receptionists reply!

Well, I could have died.  I was so embarrassed.  I mumbled an apology and made a quick exit.  I stomped back to the car and slammed the door.

  'What's the matter?'
  'I could kill you.  It wasn't Mr Brown - he died six months ago!'

Well, you can imagine Gary found this highly amusing.  In fact he was laughing all the way home and 25 years later he still chuckles whenever he thinks about it.  I must admit, once I cooled down I did see the funny side too (but it took me quite a while)..

So, what did I learn from this?  Well firstly, not to take myself too seriously, secondly to make my own appointments and finally never trust a man when he says 'Errrrrr'!!

Do you take yourself too seriously?

Here's the other posts so far in this series

Step 30 - The Key to Happiness and Contentment
Step 29 -You are the master of your own destiny
Step 28 - Don't give up on a good relationship
Step 27 - Don't Judge , Live and let live
Step 26 - Don't Worry, by happy
Step 25 - Never give up
Step 24 - Get by with a little help from your friends
Step 23 - Go with the Flow
Step 22 - Enjoy the moment
Step 21 - Love what you do
Step 20 - Forgive and Forget
Step 19 - Unconditional giving
Step 18 - Smile and the world smiles with you
Step 17 - Work to live, don't live to work
Step 16 - Surround yourself with Positive People
Step 15 - Always look on the bright side of life
Step 14 - Where there's a will there's a way
Step 13 - Silence is Golden
Step 12 - Feed your Soul
Step 11 - Follow your Dreams
Step 10 - Use your time wisely
Step 9 - Don't be too hard on yourself
Step 8 - Consider what you value most
Step 7 - Find time for Yourself
Step 6 - Make time for Family and Friends
Step 5 - Don't take yourself too Seriously
Step 4 - Feel the Fear and do it Anyway
Step 3 - Love what you Hate
Step 2 - There's no such word as CAN''T
Step 1 - Find the Best in Every Day

Step 4 - Feel the Fear and do it Anyway!

Day 4 of the National Blog Post Month challenge where I’m writing a blog post every day along the theme of 30 Steps to Happiness and Contentment.

It must be 20 years since I read the book "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers and whilst I can't remember exactly what it said now (I must order another copy), I know it had an enormous impact on me at the time.

When I was young I was painfully shy and lacking in confidence.  I never put my hand up in school, the thought of standing up and talking in front of the class made me physically sick. These were in the days before 'Show and tell' became popular.  In the playground I was fine - I had lots of friends and no problems socially, just in the classroom and in any formal situations.  I spent my entire school life like this - always avoiding situations I found uncomfortable wherever possible.  My Divinty teacher (I think they call it Religious Studies these days) summed me up in his comment on my 3rd form school report "Nicola listens without participating".  Yes, that was me!

At 16 I had the choice of staying on for A levels and then University or doing a more practical course at college.  I was so lacking in confidence that I didn't think I'd even pass any O levels and felt I wasn't clever enough to stay on to the 6th form with all my friends.  I chose to leave and do a secretarial course.  I vividly remember the day my O level results came through the door.  I ran upstairs and locked myself in the loo - preparing myself for the worst.  When I opened the envelope and discovered Id passed all 8, no one was more surprised than me!

I went to college to do a Private Secretaries Certificate and the skills I learnt have been really useful, so I don't regret it.  But I can now acknowledge that it was the fear of failure that stopped me from continuing into Higher Education at that time

Gradually I started to get more confident, but I still found that my fears stopped me doing many things.  Reading the book "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway" at about the age of 23 was a turning point for me.  It made me realise that everyone feels a certain amount of fear in new situations, the trick is to harness this fear and not let it stop you from doing anything you want to do.

I started applying the principles from the book in my life and a few years later I decided I wanted to share my computing knowledge and skills and become an IT trainer.  I signed up to do a part-time 2 year Certificate in Education at University. The biggest fear I had to conquer was standing up in front of a classroom of students and talk. I was terrified at first - this was the girl that never answered a question in class and would never volunteer to speak about anything!  My first lesson wasn't  as bad as I thought it would be (in fact it went quite well) and the sense of achievement after was fantastic.  I grew to love it and went on to teach in adult education and student support.

It's important to realise that we are not alone, everyone feels fear of new situations to some degree, even the people who come across as the most confident.  What we have to realise is that once we work through this fear and do whatever it is we want to do, the fear of doing something is much worse than the actual doing.  We may have felt anxious before, but once we get there it's fine and afterwards the feeling of achievement when we've faced a fear and overcome it is incredibly rewarding.

So next time you feel anxious about doing something, don't let your insecurities hold you back - feel the fear and do it anyway - you'll be glad you did!

Here's my other posts so far in this series:

Step 30 - The Key to Happiness and Contentment
Step 29 -You are the master of your own destiny
Step 28 - Don't give up on a good relationship
Step 27 - Don't Judge , Live and let live
Step 26 - Don't Worry, by happy
Step 25 - Never give up
Step 24 - Get by with a little help from your friends
Step 23 - Go with the Flow
Step 22 - Enjoy the moment
Step 21 - Love what you do
Step 20 - Forgive and Forget
Step 19 - Unconditional giving
Step 18 - Smile and the world smiles with you
Step 17 - Work to live, don't live to work
Step 16 - Surround yourself with Positive People
Step 15 - Always look on the bright side of life
Step 14 - Where there's a will there's a way
Step 13 - Silence is Golden
Step 12 - Feed your Soul
Step 11 - Follow your Dreams
Step 10 - Use your time wisely
Step 9 - Don't be too hard on yourself
Step 8 - Consider what you value most
Step 7 - Find time for Yourself
Step 6 - Make time for Family and Friends
Step 5 - Don't take yourself too Seriously
Step 4 - Feel the Fear and do it Anyway
Step 3 - Love what you Hate
Step 2 - There's no such word as CAN''T
Step 1 - Find the Best in Every Day

Step 3 - Love What You Hate

I wrote a short post a few weeks ago entitled Love what you Hate, but I thought I'd expand on it a little here as I think it's an important part of the 30 Steps to Happiness and Contentment I'm currently writing as part of the National Blog Post Month.

The premise is that if there's something you have to do, but you really don't want to, just tell yourself you love it and you'll find it's much easier to do - you might even find you enjoy it!

Why do we dislike doing certain tasks anyway?  I came to the conclusion recently that we often condition ourselves to dislike things - perhaps from learnt behavioral patterns of our parents or friends.  Here's what helped me come to this conclusion:

Someone I know, we'll call him Bill, became very seriously ill last year.  He's in his late 60's and was showing signs of senile dementia - forgetting things, dropping things etc, but it was getting rapidly worse.  Within a few months he was in hospital and very seriously ill.  The doctors found that he had a rare condition which affected his brain and he went through several months of various experimental and pioneering processes.  It was an extremely worrying time for his family, but thankfully they managed to cure him.

It was with great relief that Bill returned home, but one of the consequences of the illness was, he had lost his memory.  He'd forgotten how to do simple things like how to make a cup of tea, he didn't know his family and he didn't know himself.  Luckily this wasn't permanent and gradually over the following months his memory returned.

Before his illness he had certain things he liked and didn't like (don't we all).  For example, like most men, he hated shopping but, much to his wife's delight, he'd forgotten this.  He happily accompanied her and even said he enjoyed it.  He had no recollection of the fact that he used to detest shopping and would normally stay at home or in the car during her frequent trips.  I found this fact very interesting.  It could be argued that the illness had changed him, but to me it demonstrated that maybe we condition ourselves to believe that we don't like doing certain things either from learned experiences or by internalising the opinions of others. How many times have you heard a man say he hates shopping!  The perceived dislike stops us from doing certain things, but if we forgot about the processes that had brought about this belief then we could actually find that we enjoy what we thought we hated!

If this is the case, and we condition ourselves to dislike certain things, we could be restricting ourselves from doing things we may actually enjoy.  So, it would follow that if we can teach ourselves to not like something then, we can also teach ourselves to like it.

So, as I intimated in my previous post, I tried this theory out for myself and found it worked.  If there's something I really don't want to do, but have to, I always try to get psyched up by telling myself I'm looking forward to it or I really want to do it.  It works for me - why don't you give it a try!

Here's my other posts so far in this series:
Step 30 - The Key to Happiness and Contentment
Step 29 -You are the master of your own destiny
Step 28 - Don't give up on a good relationship
Step 27 - Don't Judge , Live and let live
Step 26 - Don't Worry, by happy
Step 25 - Never give up
Step 24 - Get by with a little help from your friends
Step 23 - Go with the Flow
Step 22 - Enjoy the moment
Step 21 - Love what you do
Step 20 - Forgive and Forget
Step 19 - Unconditional giving
Step 18 - Smile and the world smiles with you
Step 17 - Work to live, don't live to work
Step 16 - Surround yourself with Positive People
Step 15 - Always look on the bright side of life
Step 14 - Where there's a will there's a way
Step 13 - Silence is Golden
Step 12 - Feed your Soul
Step 11 - Follow your Dreams
Step 10 - Use your time wisely
Step 9 - Don't be too hard on yourself
Step 8 - Consider what you value most
Step 7 - Find time for Yourself
Step 6 - Make time for Family and Friends
Step 5 - Don't take yourself too Seriously
Step 4 - Feel the Fear and do it Anyway
Step 3 - Love what you Hate
Step 2 - There's no such word as CAN''T
Step 1 - Find the Best in Every Day

If you liked this, you might be interested to read my first post on Love What You Hate

Step 2 – There’s no such word as Can’t

Day 2 of the National Blog Post Month challenge where I’m writing a blog post every day along the theme of 30 Steps to Happiness and Contentment.

From an early age I always knew I had my limits.  There were certain things I just couldn’t do.  I suppose you could say I’d been brought up to know my limitations and I did (or so I thought). 

When I met my husband all this changed.  Here’s a man who believes there are no limits, for him there is no such word as “can’t”. I didn’t believe him at first, in fact it took about 9 years until I started to realise he might just be right.  I can remember the turning point for me and here’s how it happened.

I was 27 and Gary was 31, we’d been married 6 years and our two eldest children were aged 4 and 3 months.  He was in his first year at University studying for a BSc in Landscape Management.  He came home one day excited about the announcement of an opportunity to gain a Travel Bursary.  The Bursary was open to all students and the entrants had to come up with an interesting project, which required overseas travel.  The best entrants would be shortlisted and invited to give a presentation to a panel of people who would then offer a bursary of £900 to the most impressive project.  Gary had an idea to go seed collecting in China.  He’d heard of a particular variety of Acer that is only found in one specific remote part of China and he wanted to try and find it.  I can remember thinking he was mad – the chances of him winning were next to nothing, but I knew by now what he was like when he got an idea in his head and so I did all I could to support him with his application.  A few weeks later, I was surprised to learn his entry had been shortlisted to the final 8 and we had to prepare a presentation for him to give to the panel.  I still didn’t think he’d actually win, so when he came home after the day of his presentation and told me he had been awarded the Bursary, I couldn’t believe it!  It was a real awakening for me.  Up until that point I had always humoured his wild ideas and thought he was a bit of a dreamer - things like that don’t happen to ordinary people like us.  But, his winning against the odds, made me realise that if you want something badly enough, there really isn’t any reason why you can’t go for it and you may just get what you want!  We all have just as much chance as the next person in realising our dreams, you just have to believe and make the effort to attain them. 

Thinking about it now I find it hard to believe that I was so negative back then, so scared to branch out and take a chance, so sure of failure before we’d even started.  Had he listened to me he wouldn’t even have tried and would never have had the wonderful and life changing experiences he did.

I suppose that this realisation played a large part in my accepting that it is possible to live outside of the box.  We didn’t have to follow the same pattern as everyone else and maybe, just maybe, we could actually realise our dream of living abroad one day - which is exactly what we did. 

Here's my other posts in this series:
Step 30 - The Key to Happiness and Contentment
Step 29 -You are the master of your own destiny
Step 28 - Don't give up on a good relationship
Step 27 - Don't Judge , Live and let live
Step 26 - Don't Worry, by happy
Step 25 - Never give up
Step 24 - Get by with a little help from your friends
Step 23 - Go with the Flow
Step 22 - Enjoy the moment
Step 21 - Love what you do
Step 20 - Forgive and Forget
Step 19 - Unconditional giving
Step 18 - Smile and the world smiles with you
Step 17 - Work to live, don't live to work
Step 16 - Surround yourself with Positive People
Step 15 - Always look on the bright side of life
Step 14 - Where there's a will there's a way
Step 13 - Silence is Golden
Step 12 - Feed your Soul
Step 11 - Follow your Dreams
Step 10 - Use your time wisely
Step 9 - Don't be too hard on yourself
Step 8 - Consider what you value most
Step 7 - Find time for Yourself
Step 6 - Make time for Family and Friends
Step 5 - Don't take yourself too Seriously
Step 4 - Feel the Fear and do it Anyway
Step 3 - Love what you Hate
Step 2 - There's no such word as CAN''T
Step 1 - Find the Best in Every DayDay 1 - Find the best in every day
 

30 steps to Happiness and Contentment – Step 1 Find the best in every day

I’ve decided to take part in the NaBloPoMo (National Blog Post Month) which entails committing to writing and posting a blog post every day throughout November.  The biggest challenge for me is finding the time and making it meaningful.  There’s no point blogging for the sake of it.  I’ve been struggling to come up with a strategy – mainly because it’s the holidays and I’m trying to keep my lively little ones entertained as well.  After several false starts, I’ve decided to set myself the task of writing 30 steps towards Happiness and Contentment.

Despite my busy and often stressful life (which is by no stretch of the imagination perfect), I am generally happy and contented with my lot.  I decided to reflect on and share the things I think contribute towards this and consider ways of developing it. It’s just my own thoughts – it will help me to remind myself to focus on what is good in my life and maybe it will help others on the way. So, come back everyday over the month of November if you are interested in sharing this journey with me.

Today my first step is ...

Find the best in every day

Yesterday was hard for me - I tried to pack too much into the day.  The kids were over tired and over excited with Halloween events and too much sugar and I ended up with a throbbing head.  My day started with a trip to the doctors with six year old Luc, followed by a mad dash to get tidied up and ready for a picnic, a couple of journeys with fighting kids in the back of the car, a challenging afternoon with 3 demanding children, a rush to make tea and get self and the 3 littles ones dressed and made up for Halloween trick or treating at a friends house in the evening.  It was exhausting and at the end of it I felt like a coiled spring.

But, despite that, there were many good aspects of the day for which I think it would be more useful to reflect on.  The best moments were:

• Seeing the beauty of the early morning mists over the valley on the way to the doctors
• The kindness of a friend who offered to watch the other children for me while I went
• The feeling of pride watching Luc lying calmly while his stitches were removed.
• Taking in the magnificent mountain views on the way to the park.
• Enjoying the warmth of the late October sun.
• Watching my children have fun
• Sharing time with friends
• Witnessing my 9 year old practicing negotiating skills with his younger siblings.

It’s useful to reflect on the difficulties faced and consider ways to avoid them in the future, but it’s far more uplifting to focus on the good things and there are always positive aspects of any given situation.  I think from now on every day when I go to bed, I’ll concentrate on finding the best moments of the day and go to sleep with these things in mind, rather than going over the negative aspects.  This will, in turn. set me up for a far more positive frame of mind for the following day.

How about you?  What were the best moments of your day?

Here are the other posts in this series:
Step 30 - The Key to Happiness and Contentment
Step 29 -You are the master of your own destiny
Step 28 - Don't give up on a good relationship
Step 27 - Don't Judge , Live and let live
Step 26 - Don't Worry, by happy
Step 25 - Never give up
Step 24 - Get by with a little help from your friends
Step 23 - Go with the Flow
Step 22 - Enjoy the moment
Step 21 - Love what you do
Step 20 - Forgive and Forget
Step 19 - Unconditional giving
Step 18 - Smile and the world smiles with you
Step 17 - Work to live, don't live to work
Step 16 - Surround yourself with Positive People
Step 15 - Always look on the bright side of life
Step 14 - Where there's a will there's a way
Step 13 - Silence is Golden
Step 12 - Feed your Soul
Step 11 - Follow your Dreams
Step 10 - Use your time wisely
Step 9 - Don't be too hard on yourself
Step 8 - Consider what you value most
Step 7 - Find time for Yourself
Step 6 - Make time for Family and Friends
Step 5 - Don't take yourself too Seriously
Step 4 - Feel the Fear and do it Anyway
Step 3 - Love what you Hate
Step 2 - There's no such word as CAN''T
Step 1 - Find the Best in Every Day