Day 28 of NaBloPoMo (National Blog Post Month) where we're taking a
journey to Happiness and Contentment and today I’m going to tackle
relationships with our nearest and dearest.
Difficult to sum up in one blog post I know, but I thought I should at
least mention it.
Our relationship with
our significant other (if we currently have one) is one of the most important
relationships we have. If we don’t have
a partner, most of us are looking for one.
That’s not to say we can’t be happy and content without one, just most
of us want and need to share our lives with someone.
I was fortunate
to meet my Mr right at 18 and so I suppose you could say ‘What can you tell us
about relationships as you were just lucky from the start’. Well, I do consider myself lucky, he is a
good man, hardworking, supportive (usually) and would do anything for his
family, but it’s not been easy. No
relationship is easy, it’s something you really have to work at all the time.
What I can tell
you is that there are many times when we could both have given up on our
relationship. Times when I’ve
questioned my feelings for him (and I’m sure this works both ways) and could
easily have walked away.
I’m going to
share one of our darkest moments to illustrate how things can look so bad and
yet can turn around so quickly. In the late
90’s when we only had 2 children (8 and 4), we were going
through a particularly bad time in our relationship. It was strange really, because we ‘d just gone through several
years of great hardship and stress and were now just coming out the other
side. Things were looking up
financially, we both had quite good jobs and could start looking forward to the
future. My husband was going through a
bit of mid-life crisis (he was about 35 at the time). I think he was starting to question what
he’d done with his life and started wanting more. We got a sporty car, which he loved (I thought it was OK, but
cars don’t really do it for me) and he started taking flying lessons (which was something he'd always dreamed of doing). I went along with it in the beginning (I'm not really sure why), but it was
getting to stage where we just couldn’t afford it. We were living in rented accommodation and going without things so
that he could satisfy his boyish dreams of being a pilot. It got to a point where I’d just had enough
of going without. He does get a bit
carried away sometimes and unfortunately because it's me that handles the finances, I have to be the big bad spoil sport at times
and put a stop to things.
I confronted him
and he wasn’t happy at all (he can get a bit sulky sometimes to say the
least). We had some big rows, which is
unlike us because we don’t really argue much - I tend to shout and he ignores me. Anyway, the situation was spiraling. I started questioning if I really loved him anymore and when I
thought about it I didn’t feel anything at all. I think the lack of feeling at the time was mutual, so we decided to have a trial separation.
It wasn’t until
we were apart for a while that I realised that this wasn’t what I wanted at
all. I was desperately miserable. I’m a comfort eater and usually when I’m
down I tend to eat, but this was different.
For the first time in my life I went completely off food altogether – I
couldn’t eat. I've never felt so desperately lost and alone. I lost a lot of weight
and just felt awful. It gave me lots of
time to think though and as I thought I realised that I had been feeling
nothing for years. Not just about my
husband, but about anything. The
financial difficulties we had experienced in the early 90’s had taken it’s toll
and it had actually affected us both more than I had realised.
I came to the realisation that it wasn’t all my husband’s fault, I was tending to blame him for
everything. I feel his wanting to get
out and do other things was partly to escape the depressing rut we’d got
into. I had taken charge of things with
the children and the house and because I was depressed and not particularly
loving towards him, I think he’d felt as though I didn’t need him anymore. The separation helped me to realise that in fact I
did need him and the children needed him.
Anyway, luckily we realised that we didn’t want to split up and that we had to
start pulling together and finding a way out of the rut we’d got ourselves
into. We started making plans and goals
for the future together and that helped us both enormously.
When we got back together after only 2 weeks apart, I distinctly remember wondering how my feelings towards him could change so drastically in a matter of weeks. The loving feeling was back. It was frightening to think how easily we could have given it all away and yet all those feelings were still there, just hidden under the stresses and pressures of everyday life.
Going through
this time definitely made us stronger.
Things could so easily have been different. If I’d continued to turn the cold shoulder we would have gone our separate ways and I would, no doubt, have gone through the difficult task of
trying to find another partner who would love me and accept and love my children
the way I do. Looking at people around
me in similar situations, I think I probably would be still searching for that
person. Luckily I came to my senses in
time and realised that person was there all along and was my own dear
husband!
It’s too easy to
give up on a relationship when you hit tough times, but if
you ride the storm it’s really worth it when you get to the other side. Difficulties can push you apart, but if you
try to support each other through the rough times, it brings you closer. Every relationship goes through peaks and troughs - we still get times where we're closer than others. We try to have maybe a day or two away on our own a year if possible to just help us get back on track.
It's important to remember that nobody's perfect, there are always things about another person that irritates us, but you have to weigh up the good and the bad. Let me just add
though, it’s worth trying to save your relationship if your partner is a basically good person and you’ve had
a strong and supportive relationship in the past. There are of course people out there who are not worth wasting your
time and energy on. A friend of mine
who has unfortunately had a string of bad relationships sent me a list she was
given to remind herself not to get into another one. Here’s a list of Mr
Wrong’s (or lets not be sexist maybe Mrs Wrongs) characteristics –
- Shouts
- Sulks
- smashes
things
- glares
- calls
you names,
- makes
you feel ugly and useless
- cuts
you off from your friends
- stops
you working
- never
admits he/she is wrong
- Turns
the children against you and use them to control you,
- Never
looks after the children
- expects
sex on demand,
- controls
the money
- threatens
or wheedles to get his/her own way
- seduces
your friends
- expects
you to be responsible for his/her welfare
- Blames
you for drinking/drugs etc
If you recognise
many of these, then do yourself a favour and don’t bother trying to make this relationship work, because they are never going to change and you're worth more.
Thankfully, there
are plenty of Mr/Mrs Rights out there, you just have to be careful to avoid the
wrong ones and learn to recognise the right ones. Easier said than done I know and when I come up with the winning formula I'll let you know.
So, the moral
here is don’t give up too easily on what was a good relationship. We all go through rough times, but these can
make our relationships stronger. Just
stick in there and it’ll be worth it in the long run.
